Talking About Cancer

Talking about cancer is not easy. Telling your partner, family, friends or other loved ones that you have cancer is hard and will probably come at a time when you are processing your own feelings. Telling people at work that you have cancer can also be difficult.

We have a few tips for getting the conversation started, because that can be hard, but it’s important to be yourself and give the news in whatever way feels natural for you. We also have a thought provoking poem to share with you and some advice about what to say when someone tells you they have cancer.

Talking to family and friends.

There will be strong emotions involved and there’s no absolute right or wrong way to have these conversations, but our advice might help you to get started.

Be gentle and introduce the subject gradually, maybe with ‘there’s something I need to tell you’, but stick with language that feels natural.

Be truthful. You don’t have to give all the details in an initial conversation, but it is best to be honest about your condition and about how you are feeling. It’s normal to feel angry and frustrated. However you are feeling, that is valid. Pretending to feel differently may create distance between you and can be exhausting. They can support you more effectively if they know how you genuinely feel.

Allow them to be honest with you about how they feel. They may have no idea what to say, give them time to process their feelings.

Allow them to help you. Be honest about the practical support that will help you, whether that’s coming to appointments, being available to listen or more practical help around the house. They are likely to want to help and to feel useful. Having someone to take notes at doctors appointments or to help you research treatment options can be really useful if the sheer amount of information you need to take in feels overwhelming.

Find support outside of your relationship. You may both find it helpful to talk to other people who are in a similar situation, or to someone who is a trained counsellor.

Telling a loved one that you have cancer is never going to be easy, but it can make you feel better. Talking does not change the situation, but it can have a huge impact on how you feel.

Talking to children.

Talking to your children about cancer can be daunting, whether you have to tell them about your cancer or that of a loved one. Start by trusting that you know your child best. The language that you use will vary according to their age and personality, but here are some general guidelines that we hope will help.

Choose your time and place carefully. A weekend might work best, you might have more time and they can think things through before going back to school.

Be as honest as you can and encourage them to ask questions. Drawings might be helpful for younger children. Telling them about possible side effects of treatment can help them to be prepared. Don’t feel that you have to know all the answers, it’s ok to say ‘I don’t know’.

Give them time. Their initial reaction might not be what you expect, let them process the information. Asking open questions can encourage them to share their feelings. Try having follow up conversations when you are doing something else, like going for a walk or on a car journey, that can make it easier as it feels less intense than sitting face to face.

Don’t always hide your feelings. Children know when things are not right, this can sometimes leave them worrying more than if you share your feelings with them.

Think about who else needs to know. It might be useful for their teacher to know, for example. If your child is a teenager, check with them before telling anyone else.

Routine. Keeping to your regular routine, when you can, can be a comfort. Cancer and cancer treatment can disrupt your life so this won’t always be possible, but keeping some elements of your usual routine can be comforting for them and you.

Spend time with them. Even if it’s just watching TV, being together is so important.

Remember that no one will ever know your child as well as you do, so do what you think is right for you and your child. Don’t worry if you don’t have all the answers or if the conversations don’t always go how you would like, simply letting them know how much they are loved and that they can talk to you anytime will go a long way.

Talking to colleagues.

Telling people that you work with that you have cancer can be difficult. It’s personal information that you may not feel comfortable talking about with colleagues, or you may feel that you want to carry on as normal at work.
You do not have to tell your colleagues, but it may well be worth letting your manager or HR department know, because you have some legal rights.

There are benefits to letting colleagues know, but it is your decision. Some people find carrying on as normal at work to be a useful coping mechanism. Others find the support of their colleagues really helpful. You don’t have to rush to tell them, do it in your own time.

The benefits of telling colleagues can be:

You can let them know if you need help. Tiredness is common in people who are having cancer treatment, this may have an affect on your work.

They are not left guessing. Colleagues might be able to tell that there is something wrong. Your relationship with them might start to feel awkward if they can tell from your behaviour that something is wrong, but they don’t know what.

They will able to support you, maybe suggesting helpful ways to cope with work.

It’s worth taking some time to decide if/when you want to tell people. We have counsellors that you can talk it through with, they can help you to decide what will be best for you. It may become impractical to not share your diagnosis, if you need time off work or your appearance changes for example.

If you do decide to share your diagnosis, it’s worth making a plan for who you will tell and what information you are ready to share. Consider:

How. What is the method of communication you will feel most comfortable with? Email is an option if you want to give everyone the same information at the same time. If it will be hard to talk, start with a trusted colleague and maybe ask them to share the news for you.

What. What information do you want to share? Some people may ask lots of questions out of curiosity, it might be information that you don’t want to share, so think about what to say. “I don’t want to share that information at the moment” is perfectly OK.

Who. It is best if you can tell your boss directly, whilst you may not have all the answers about how any treatment will affect you, you can set some expectations. With colleagues, starting with someone you feel comfortable with makes sense, you don’t have to tell everyone.

Accept help. People will offer to help, you might not need any help right now. If you need help in the future, be specific about what they can do.

It may be a difficult conversation, but remember that most people will want to support you however they can. There is no right or wrong way to approach this, do what feels right for you.

Similes and metaphors

Talking about cancer is not easy, so many of us use similes and metaphors – ‘she fought a battle’, ‘the war against cancer’. Some people find this language helpful and empowering, others may find it unhelpful and feel as if they have ‘lost the fight’ if their cancer can’t be treated.

Talking is always better than not talking , but the exact language to use is a very personal decision.

We wanted to share this poem with you, it was written by Lisa Bonchek Adams, who had breast cancer. It’s her feelings on the language that we often use. Not everyone will agree with her, what she feels is unhelpful language may be the language that gives comfort to others. It’s a poignant read.

When I die don’t think you’ve “lost” me.
I’ll be right there with you, living on in the memories we have made.
When I die don’t say I “fought a battle.” Or “lost a battle.” Or “succumbed.”
Don’t make it sound like I didn’t try hard enough, or have the right attitude, or that I simply gave up.
When I die don’t say I “passed.”
That sounds like I walked by you in the corridor at school.
When I die tell the world what happened.
Plain and simple.
No euphemisms, no flowery language, no metaphors.
Instead, remember me and let my words live on.
Tell stories of something good I did.
Give my children a kind word. Let them know what they meant to me. That I would have stayed forever if I could.
Don’t try to comfort my children by telling them I’m an angel watching over them from heaven or that I’m in a better place:
There is no better place to me than being here with them.
They have learned about grief and they will learn more.
That is part of it all.
When I die someday just tell the truth:
I lived, I died.
The end.

If someone tells you they have cancer.

What do you say if someone tells you they have cancer? Knowing what to say to someone who has had a cancer diagnosis can be very hard. If it’s someone close to you, you will be dealing with your own feelings about the diagnosis too.

It’s better to say something than nothing. This is our guidance about good things to say and do, but everyone is different. Some people that are living with cancer may find humour helpful, others may not. Some people may feel angry and seem withdrawn, this is normal. Be guided by the person with the diagnosis and accept that they may feel differently on different days.

You can says things in a card, or a letter or a phone call if you’re not close by.

“I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I’m thinking of you.” It’s perfectly fine to not know exactly what to say, maybe the person living with cancer isn’t sure what to say either. Sometimes this may be enough, or it may be a way to start off your conversation.

“How are you today?” Let them know that you are there to talk about however they are feeling, just listening is really valuable, you don’t have to be able to fix anything.

“Can I give you a lift to your next appointment?” Offers of help are great, but a lot of us have a natural inclination to say that we don’t need help. Maybe think of something specific that might help, so offer to mow the lawn, walk the dog, cook lunch, take the children to school, anything that you know that person will be trying to do.

“I’m sorry that you are going through this.” Hearing that you have cancer is hard, going through treatment is hard. It’s Ok to be sorry. Encouraging people to stay positive is not always helpful, as it can feel as though their feelings are being discounted.

“I’m here for you.” Sometimes people won’t want to talk about their diagnosis, others find comfort in being really open. Let the person know that you are there whenever they might need you.

A thoughtful gift. If they are about to have treatment then ginger biscuits for nausea, moisturiser for dry skin, or hand warmers or fluffy socks to help keep warm are all nice gifts. An eye mask and ear plugs could help them to sleep better in hospital. Maybe a box of their favourite treats. Anything that shows you are thinking of them.

Laugh together. A funny story might be just what they need. A bit of normality can be a welcome relief.

Let them know about us. Letting someone with a cancer diagnosis know that you care can be really meaningful, but there may be times when you don’t feel equipped to help them as much as you might like to, which is where we can help. Sometimes talking to someone that you don’t have a personal connection to can be helpful; we offer various complementary therapies that can help people living with cancer. If you are caring for someone with cancer, that can also be a challenging time, we are here for you as well.

Cancer is a journey that you do not have to walk alone. If you have been affected by cancer, directly or indirectly, we are here for you. We have trained and experienced therapists and counsellors that can help.